Every other time I went in to see him, they had his ICU stall dark and it was grey and he was laying there still. Today they had the lights on, there was color, and a bussel of activity as they drew blood, did other tests, and tended to him. It was strangely comforting to have my final glimpse of him colored by this.
There is a huge amount of guestbook entries that people have left for Jake and his family at his CaringBridge site. I've left a few and struggled with them all. Last night when I found out that he was not going to survive, I wrote an entry about Jake and how I felt. After I had sent it, I realized that I should have just written it to Jake and not about him. So I rewrote it and sent it to his gmail account. I may just keep sending him email there for a while.
Here's what I wrote last night to him:
From: Charles Murphy
Date: July 31, 2008 12:21:11 AM CDT
To: Jake Betz
Subject: My Friend
Jake,
You are a good friend to me. It is comforting to know now what a good friend, husband, son, brother, and even in-law you are to such a multitude of others in your life. I feel blessed to know them a better now, and through them to know you better as well.
Jake, you are someone I trust absolutely. I can count people like that on one hand. I always feel safe around you, and not safe from others or safe from the world as you might think, but safe with you. You face your fear, you never turn away, and are truely fearless in this way. It rubs off.
You also always demand the truth from me, rare in my experience, and you demand it from everyone else too, and won't settle for less without a fight. When I haven't given it to you straight, I felt I lost your respect, and your respect is valued over most others. I stopped making that mistake quickly. Thank you.
I admire your for all these reasons and many others, but most of all for the courage and strength you have shown in the last week. Jake, you are a good friend to me, an inspiration, a positive light in my life and I miss you very much right now.
Jake, I'm wishing you and Heather peace in this most difficult place. And both of you along with Don, Joanie, Chris, Dan, and all your families are in my thoughts and prayers.
Your Friend,
Charles
Date: July 31, 2008 12:21:11 AM CDT
To: Jake Betz
Subject: My Friend
Jake,
You are a good friend to me. It is comforting to know now what a good friend, husband, son, brother, and even in-law you are to such a multitude of others in your life. I feel blessed to know them a better now, and through them to know you better as well.
Jake, you are someone I trust absolutely. I can count people like that on one hand. I always feel safe around you, and not safe from others or safe from the world as you might think, but safe with you. You face your fear, you never turn away, and are truely fearless in this way. It rubs off.
You also always demand the truth from me, rare in my experience, and you demand it from everyone else too, and won't settle for less without a fight. When I haven't given it to you straight, I felt I lost your respect, and your respect is valued over most others. I stopped making that mistake quickly. Thank you.
I admire your for all these reasons and many others, but most of all for the courage and strength you have shown in the last week. Jake, you are a good friend to me, an inspiration, a positive light in my life and I miss you very much right now.
Jake, I'm wishing you and Heather peace in this most difficult place. And both of you along with Don, Joanie, Chris, Dan, and all your families are in my thoughts and prayers.
Your Friend,
Charles
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