Are you there Santa? It's me Charles...

Just in case Santa reads blogs, I'm going to try to work out some rather OCD-ish impulses I've been fighting lately and post all my wishlists here for him to peruse.

First off, the mighty Amazon wishlist, king of all wishlists in this brave new world. And in my case, it's become an unwieldy collection of wishlists. Just having one got to be too involved so I broke them up into topics and moved all the stuff I will probably buy for myself to even more private lists. Here's the starting point, the list of list is at the lower left of the page: Amazon Wishlists.

Next off, a fun list from ThinkGeek. I highly recommend shopping there for all your geek friends. There's almost nothing there I wouldn't like getting. But here's my list: ThinkGeek Wishlist.

On to a list of things from MusicDirect, an audiophile outfit in Chicago. They carry audio gear and music and I dream about one day being able to justify even part of my wishlist from them. All the gear, gadgets, and music would certainly send me to music-heaven, but even just being near some of this stuff would be enough to satisfy me. You'll need to put in "ctmurphy" for the Wishlist ID to see my wishlist: MusicDirect. (I gave up trying to automate this after an hour and a half of fruitless effort trying to submit a search form via Javascript).

Last is B&H Photo, a great photo store in New York that I could spend the rest of my life and/or money in. Here's the link to my list there of mostly Nikon lenses and accessories: B&H Photo.

Santa, if you're still reading, forgive me....

Kittens

Say hello to Tillie and Callie, our two new kittens! We have been plagued by mice this year. Last year we had our old cat, Echo, but she's left us now and the mice moved in. So we decided to go to the Humane Society to get a new cat to rid ourselves of the mice, or at least keep them at bay. Needless to say, we never made it past the kittens back to where they keep the cats. We played with Callie in a room for 10 minutes, then saw her sister Tillie, and decided we couldn't split them up or leave them there.

Their first week here was a little rough, they both caught a cold, and were actually sneezing blood at one point. But they've both gotten better now, with the help of some anti-biotics and rest, and are back to their energetic little selves.

They have the most spectacular battles in mid-air. I've been trying to capture them in photos but I think I need a video to really do them justice:

Bald Eagle in Osseo

I left work earlier than usual last Friday (before dark)- it was a grey day and I had gotten in early anyway. As I drove South on 169 I saw an odd blob in a tree on the other side of the highway. I did a u-turn at the next light and pulled over to discover that it was a bald eagle perched in a tree overlooking a plowed field.

I got my camera and started to make my way into the field closer to the eagle. My excitement had disarmed me of any stealth and the eagle made a quick departure off into the distance. But as I watched from the field it flew in a half-mile circle and landed on a telephone pole down another side road.

The chase continued. As I approached it's new perch, there was nowhere to pull over so I had to continue driving to a pull-off, got out, and started trekking back to it. Again, before I could get 20 yards, the eagle seemed to take note and took off.

This time, it flew further down the street, towards Osseo, and the into a residential area where I lost sight of it.

I spent 15 minutes circling the streets of the neighborhood it had flown towards and was almost ready to turn back towards 169 when I found the strange figure again perched in a tree this time above a house overlooking the same road I had just driven down.

I parked and spent a good 20 minutes taking pictures of the bird way up in the tree as the light faded. This time around there was no response from the eagle and it stayed put, unconcerned with my presence (or that of the rush hour traffic rushing by just below).

I'd seen bald eagles in zoos before but this was my first time seeing one in the wild, on the wing. It was spectacular even on a gray, dreary day, as darkness encroached.

Hawk

About half the time when I'm leaving work, I'll be startled by a huge, beautiful hawk coming around the corner of our building or flying close overhead. I don't know if it's just that the hawk frequents this spot at this time on its daily rounds and I tend to leave then, but it has gotten a little weird. I feel like I'm being watched or waited for. Occasionally I'll see the hawk in the morning from my car, once it came up out of a cornfield carrying what looked like a rabbit in it's talons and flew over me not 20 feet away. A very impressive sight to say the least. But mostly I see the hawk about an hour before sunset hanging out on, around, or over the building.

On several occasions, I've rushed to my car to get my camera but it disappeared into the distance before I can get a photograph. Once I even got my camera out only to see the hawk fly away across Hwy 610, then put the camera away in the trunk, and was immediately buzzed by it again from a different direction. Now whenever I leave work, I immediately check the roof of the building, all the light poles in the area, and scan the horizon for the hawk. Even if I don't see it when leaving the building, sometimes I'll just sit in my car for 10 minutes to see if it is going to show up (never has).

And so last week I carried my camera with me into and out of work and managed to get a few photos of my hawk. I also watched a little more closely to see where the hawk was going to when it left and discovered that it likes to perch atop a high-voltage power pole about a half mile from work. I went over in my car and stopped by the side of the road across from it and took some more photos.

So here, as proof of my adventures, are a few extreme crops from some mediocre photos of the elusive hawk. I am not done, I will continue to pursue a great photo, I may even go and rent a longer, sharper lens for a weekend and camp out up there for an afternoon.

And Palin Will Get Back to Katie

I almost like this one more than the Letterman lambasting.

David Letterman on McCain's Cancellation Last Week

One word: Ouch.

Videophone

Video from my new phone

I obviously need some lessons on how to use it still, but can you tell how excited I am!

Sub Pop

I love Sub Pop Records. It started with Ugly Casanova, still amazing to me. Sub Pop has a cool music/video podcast showcasing new releases and featured artists.

Here's one I discovered in my iTunes today and started liking right away by No Age called Eraser:

It's Oh So Quiet

I'm still here, just have nothing particularly pressing to say right now. Sorry.

So It's Been a Couple of Weeks

Not much has changed. Went to my friend's funeral in Wisconsin with my wife. My son went back to college up in Morris, Minnesota. My mother is here for a visit this weekend from Colorado. She brought an extra dog with her, Lily, which makes 4 dogs in the house this weekend. I think tomorrow we'll take the big 3 to the dog park and let them run around a bit. My dogs won't play fetch, but Lily has mad-skills, so I'm hoping if I play fetch with her they will catch on. It's a plan.

Big project at work derailed early in the week, back on the rails today. Summer picnic for our group today. Jousted with two of my team members, American Gladiator-style. Bested one and was flattened by the other.

All in all life is moving along.

Jake

My friend Jake is coming off life support tonight. His injuries were too severe, he could not recover, and was getting worse and worse. He is an organ donor and 40 people will receive his gift and benefit from his generousity. I spent a long time today at the hospital with his family and friends while they spoke with doctors and made the decisions on what to do. I went in to see him one last time as they were doing the final tests for his donation.

Every other time I went in to see him, they had his ICU stall dark and it was grey and he was laying there still. Today they had the lights on, there was color, and a bussel of activity as they drew blood, did other tests, and tended to him. It was strangely comforting to have my final glimpse of him colored by this.

There is a huge amount of guestbook entries that people have left for Jake and his family at his CaringBridge site. I've left a few and struggled with them all. Last night when I found out that he was not going to survive, I wrote an entry about Jake and how I felt. After I had sent it, I realized that I should have just written it to Jake and not about him. So I rewrote it and sent it to his gmail account. I may just keep sending him email there for a while.

Here's what I wrote last night to him:

From: Charles Murphy
Date: July 31, 2008 12:21:11 AM CDT
To: Jake Betz
Subject: My Friend

Jake,

You are a good friend to me. It is comforting to know now what a good friend, husband, son, brother, and even in-law you are to such a multitude of others in your life. I feel blessed to know them a better now, and through them to know you better as well.

Jake, you are someone I trust absolutely. I can count people like that on one hand. I always feel safe around you, and not safe from others or safe from the world as you might think, but safe with you. You face your fear, you never turn away, and are truely fearless in this way. It rubs off.

You also always demand the truth from me, rare in my experience, and you demand it from everyone else too, and won't settle for less without a fight. When I haven't given it to you straight, I felt I lost your respect, and your respect is valued over most others. I stopped making that mistake quickly. Thank you.

I admire your for all these reasons and many others, but most of all for the courage and strength you have shown in the last week. Jake, you are a good friend to me, an inspiration, a positive light in my life and I miss you very much right now.

Jake, I'm wishing you and Heather peace in this most difficult place. And both of you along with Don, Joanie, Chris, Dan, and all your families are in my thoughts and prayers.

Your Friend,

Charles

My Friend Jake

Here's my friend Jake (in the blue shorts). He's a boxer and trains at the Rumbleboy Gym in Golden Valley with a great bunch of people. I use to work with Jake a few years ago at advertising agency in their IT department.

Instead of greeting me each day with Good Morning (or any other words for that matter), Jake would flip me the bird. It was off-putting. But he also nearly kicked someone's ass when he saw them trying to push a beer on me after I had quit drinking. He nicknamed me "the Squirrel" at work for some reason (a devious one most likely), and had a nerf gun at his desk labeled "Squirrel Gun." He actually hunted squirrels for real on the weekend, which made it all the more disturbing. But when I talked with Jake, he always listened, and if he was talking he wanted me to listen. I always feel like I'm important to him when we're together and he certainly is to me.

Right now Jake's a pretty banged up and in the hospital. I went to go see him tonight. I showed up during a shift change and so couldn't go in right away but got to meet his mom, embrace and talk with his wife, and catch up with a friend. The crowd of friends and family assembled there for him caught me off-guard.

Later I had a chance to go in and talk to him a bit. A good friend walked me down to his ICU 

and held my hand. He was unconscious and on a respirator, tubes, bandages, and eyes closed. After my friend spoke with him, I went over and held his hand and talked with him for a while-"...you're a good friend, I'd do anything for you as I know you would for me, your wife and family are all here for you, they are being extremely strong and you should be honored by their devotion, I'm sending you every ounce of my strength, take the time you need and help your body heal itself, you mean so much to me, to everyone, I don't want to see the world without you." Even though he was unconcious, I believe saying the words was important.

Some of it felt selfish, it's hard not to feel totally selfish at times like these I think, feeling so overwhelmed with emotion, so in need of comfort yourself, and so uncomfortable and awkward. But being there with everyone, without judgement, just talking and listening, it all made it seem tolerable for the moment. I talked with a friend later about seeing Jake, and then after that wrote her a note and thanked her for just letting me be such a mess without interference and without judgement. That is a gift.

I had been terrified to go visit Jake for the last few days but also torn up inside not being there. Another friend gave me some advice the night before that got me there today. In response to my question of what I should do even though he was unconscious, she replied "You go and talk to them." And to counter my whining about how selfish I felt, and how could I make it about him and not myself, she simply wrote "Be strong for him." I took the advice, showed up, saw my friend. I'm all the better for it. It is my hope that somehow he will also be the better for it too.

Feist

I can't stop listening to Feist's The Reminder, it just doesn't get old. And her videos, 1 2 3 4 most famously, refresh the songs, bringing even more life to them.

And now I go and find there is a "Making Of" video for the 1 2 3 4 video. This one has made me love the song, the original video, and of course Feist, all the more, all over again. When will this end? It's like when you love something, but you don't want to enjoy loving it to much, or you're afraid you'll use it up and you won't be able to love it anymore, and you just can't imagine a world without this thing that you currently love.

I guess if that day comes I'll deal with it then.

Right now I'm going to go curl up in bed with my iPod and headphones and listen to the album again. But for the uninitiated, here's the 1 2 3 4 video and the Making Of video in that order. These aren't the official videos (embedding is disabled on them), go directly to http://www.listentofeist.com/video to see more "official" content.

Oh, and I love this one too... again one shot, again makes me jump around just watching it.

I Feel It All

5 Years

So 5 years ago today I had my first day of sobriety in 20 some years. I actually had my last drink on the 9th, was still drunk on the 10th, so I settled on calling the 11th my anniversary. That and 7/11 is easier to remember and an unusually lucky combination.

And this morning I had another thought: I totaled my car on the 9th hitting bottom, spent the 10th in a very bad place, and then was reborn into my new self on the 11th. There's a certain biblical pattern to that... hmmm.

Despite the fact that it was my "Easter" today, I didn't really do much to celebrate. I spent some time reflecting and even went back and read some of the emails from concerned friends 5 years ago. I got a few emails from friends congratulating me and send them emails back. I think that was enough.

I'd like to get a 5 year AA medallion  and thought about going to a meeting today but since I haven't gone for over a year I feel a little sheepish in showing up now (I'll still go, don't think that'll stop me). It's something I've been meaning to get back to for a while now. It has always felt a little awkward attending meetings, even those I went to regularly, but maybe things will be different, I think I've changed a more than a little over the last year.

So this is the first day of my sixth year of sobriety! Life is much different now than it was then and that is a blessing. Yeah me!

Dilbert is Funny

And it's about particle physics too...

Woody Allen is Funny

I don't care what anyone thinks, I love Woody Allen. I stumbled upon these one day when I was looking for YouTube content. They are from his album Stand Up Comic, which I've been listening to since High School. The first clip starts with Mechanical Objects, best punch line ever. Don't think, don't watch, just listen...

Goodbyes

I took this photo of my co-worker saying goodbye to a friend tonight.

She is moving to another department at a different location after today and we were out celebrating and saying our goodbyes, however temporary. She's been with our group for many years, and we're not sure what the place will be like without her. I'm going to miss her very much. She can be gruff and hardheaded but I think this photo shows something else about her, the part I'll miss most.

The Internet and Experience

I don't think the internet is very good for me. I've spent the last decade bumbling around on it and haven't really noticed anything good come of it yet. It's kind of like spending a weekend watching a whole TV season on DVD: by the time you're done, you don't remember much. You had no time to digest it. Plus you wasted the whole weekend on it.

I'm wondering if it isn't better to have information doled out more slowly, so your brain can absorb it, reflect on it, do something with it. Books seem that way. And going to see a performance or play too. I just seem to remember getting more out of my experiences before I could substitute the internet, or get email, or watch TV on demand. Things seemed richer in their scarcity.

Now that you can find out anything and contact anyone and see anything essentially immediately and without discretion or investment, it feels a little emptier.

Or maybe I just doing it wrong....

Dizzy with Change

So, I haven't been feeling too well this week. Kind of dizzy and nauseous all the time, I actually had to go home Monday morning and then slept for another 7 hours until 6PM. Then of course I've had trouble sleeping at night. I've felt a little better the last two days, so hopefully I'm on the mend from whatever mysterious ailment has derailed me.

At work, two of my cohorts left our group in the last week (well tomorrow will be the last day for the second of them) and that's actually causing some stress. We had a pretty tight group of eight and now we're down to six rather suddenly. I'm sure we'll replace the two departures quickly, but it's still a loss and possibly the reason that I'm out of sorts.

Who knows? I'm off to have breakfast for dinner now so that should have some sort of positive effect at least....

25 Years

Here are my friend Jill and I 20 years earlier at a church youth group retreat. We've been friends for a long time.

Here we are over Christmas last year during a visit at a Starbucks near me. We both seem to be smiling more in this photo. I'm just thicker on the bottom and thinner on top. Jill is the same. She says High School was miserable for her. It was for me too. But we did have each other and I think I can see that in the first photo.

Old Photos

I spent the afternoon going through a bunch of old slides and negatives I had scanned back in 2004 and forgotten about. Most of them were from my High School and college days. Contemplating all these photos and the memories they were bringing up as I was went through them, edited them, and uploaded them to Flickr led to a revelation for me on the nature of memory.

Most of the photos were of church youth group friends (I loved church more than High School) and close college friends, but I found some pictures that other people had sent me of friends and myself from back then. Those were doubly strange as the perspective was totally in the 3rd person, I hadn't taken or seen them before. I at least had existing memories of the pictures I had taken.

The overall affect was a strange mix of nostalgia, joy, and loss. I found myself wishing I could exist at all points in my life at once so that I could go back and forth from moment to moment and enjoy them over again. And at that thought I realized that's what memories allow and that's why I like them so much: they allow me to time travel, and it turns out time travel is both heartbreaking and joyful. It may also explain why I'm unwilling to throw anything away.

Also, just having to take a tour of my hair styles through the course of the last 3 decade was pretty painfully funny. If you're ever having a bad hair day, just take a gander at some of my High School era haircuts on Flickr. I think I actually used a helmet to cut my own hair in one of them.

Ahhh, Sunday Morning

Tunes, coffee, the web.... who need church?

I'm just your average INFP, otherwise know as "The Dreamer"

So here are my Personality Type and Multiple Intelligences test results from MyPersonality.info. Not sure what it means but my bars are a lot shorter than some others I've seen so I'm a little worried. Dreamer and Visionary don't sound so bad though....

Pain Averted (for now)

Well today I had my very first root canal. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined it, 2 hours of progressively louder and louder drilling, going deep into my jawbone, the smell of grinding bone and infection hanging like death in the air above me as I lay strapped to a 1920's vintage dental chair.

It was only an hour. The drilling was over in 20 minutes and the endodontist (yes, that's right endodontist) even put his hand on my shoulder while he gently described the procedure as if to comfort me before pulling out that immense needle with all the novocain in it. After I was numbed-up, I relaxed a little and a lot of it was just tediously waiting while he cleaned out the inside of my tooth (teeth are hollow, who knew?).

It wound up costing a small fortune but hopefully dental insurance will actually be something of a benefit this time like my employer keeps telling me it is.

In other news, it's Friday. I spent 3 hours at Target. Tried to get a new LG enV2 phone only to be thwarted by Verizon on two attempts. And missed dinner and had to eat by myself.

The photo of my father-in-law's fiberglass elephant is done. 2 hours to edit it. I need to buy some real lights and a nice backdrop- it takes forever to remove all the shadows and color casts when you try to improvise with just sheets and household lamps.

It's about 3 feet tall in real life. Trippy right? It has a tail too, made out of twine but covered in gray fiberglass except for the last inch which is frayed.

Well I'm done....

Monday

I'm in for a real 5 day week after several weeks of non-standard 3 and 7 day runs. The weekend started well with my extra Saturday on Friday, and I did manage to get out and about on both Saturdays, but somehow wound up sleeping until 4 PM on the second one. So I'm only going to count it as a 2 1/2 day weekend rather than the 3 day weekend I was hoping for. I actually got up on Saturday and did some stuff but felt like someone had slipped me a rhoofy (how the hell do you spell that?), I could barely keep my eyes open. It felt good to sleep so who cares.

Sunday was Father's day and I got to do what I wanted, which was pretty much nothing. I tried to go out and take some photographs in the woods but it had rained the night before and I nearly lost my life to swarms of mosquitos. Seriously, I wound up running through the woods, waving my hands in the air, trying to escape them.

Tonight I had to take some pictures of a sculpture for my father in law, he's entering it in an exhibit coinciding with the Republican convention. It's a gray elephant standing on a big red R holding a blue ball on it's trunk. Reminded me of Dumbo a bit. He made it from fiberglass over different materials so it does have that Disney sort of look, it's trippy. He's usually much more morose. The photos seem to have turned out alright, it was an improvised setup with a giant sheet taped up behind it and my two "assistants" holding lights with diffusers for me.

That was actually my wife's Father's day gift to him, my services. Her mom made us dinner, which for me turned out to be Ceasar salad, butter soup with corn, mashed potatos, and bread. They had chicken, 2 kinds. Now I just sound bitter...

Lists and List of Things

I've always made lists, specifically of stuff I wanted. As a child, I actually learned to read by going through catalogs rather than books. My first lists were about toys, usually compiled in anticipation of a birthday or Christmas. Later this habit/compulsion would lead to lists of photographic equipment, audio electronics, books, music, movies, recording studio equipment, and anything else I was fantasizing about at the moment. Most of my lists never led to purchases, they were aimed at an ideal, not meant to be realistic, a form of escapism. For some reason, the path to my dreams was always guided by what I would need to get there. To be a photojournalist, I need this camera, these lenses, etc. To start backpacking the Rockies, I'd need this pack, this tent, and this sleeping bag.

A few years ago, after discovering eBay, I did indulge myself and essentially purchased everything I had on a list of my from back in college. It was what I considered a reasonable stereo then, completely beyond my means, but reasonable nonetheless: a Rega Planar 3 turntable, a Conrad-Johnson PV-10 preamplifier, a B&K amplifier, and Snell Type A speakers. Now that it was all 20 years older and available on eBay, I couldn't resist. I assumed it might cure me of my list-mania but it actually confirmed something for me, my list was dead on back then- it was a killer stereo. I even added some items from more recent lists, a Rega Planet 2000 CD player and some Kimber Kable and Audioquest cables, and found myself sitting in disbelief at the sound it was making, it was even better than the stuff I had lusted for in audiophile stores over the last 2 decades. Audio nirvana.

So this left me befuddled, as I'm now to believe that if I could actually afford all these things I put on all my lists, it in fact would make me happier. In fact, I also bought a camera I had wanted back in the 80's, a Nikon F4s and some manual focus lenses I had pined for then, and was met with the same result: joy and satisfaction.

I need money, fast....

Friday Summary

Well, I did manage to get out with the dogs, do some shopping, run errands, and I spent a good amount of the afternoon lounging around at the library. No photos as I had planned, but I was looking to take pictures of trees and it was too windy anyway. It certainly wasn't a wasted day. Now I just have to make sure I don't go and waste my second Saturday and I'll get my full three day weekend in.

It's the small victories I'm after.

My Friday is Saturday!

Well I had to work last weekend but now I get to take Friday off and get double-Saturdays. I always seem to waste Saturday so three day weekends are really the only way I ever get a real Saturday or a full two day weekend at all.

That should be enough but of course I've made a secret pledge not to waste the first of my two Saturdays this time. So I've made great plans to get out and take some photos early, walk the dogs later, get some exercise in between, do some shopping, run errands, and everything else that I usually put the word "should" in front of.

We'll see how I do but I'm already feeling amused by misguided sense of "shouldiness" so I don't think I'll take it too hard if I don't make it through my list. I do want to take some photos so I can put a book together at blurb.com and enter a photo book contest by mid-July. I have some ideas I think are worth pursuing so I'll be happy if I just get to that. Check out blurb.com if you've ever thought you "should" write a book- you'll find yourself literally a download and $20 away from doing it before you even know it. It's rather inspiring.